Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Day Sixteen: “There is no failure except in no longer trying.” - Chris Bradford

I felt like a piece of shit last night.

I'm presumably pre-menstrual, but my mood in the last few days has dropped and I'm feeling less capable at the gym. Actually, I'm feeling less capable across the board, in my personal life as well as at work. It's not rare for me to experience peaks and troughs in self confidence, but there's probably a few things, environmental and physical, in play that's created a bit of tension within. I'm handling it ok, but I wonder if other women in sport feel totally mentally and physically incapable in the lead up to the rag. 
The strength programming at the gym has changed considerably in recent weeks and there's a fairly significant powerlifting component. Any snatch lifts are a huge challenge for me, but in yesterday's incident I knew that as soon as I saw it in the workout I could sense that I'd have a fairly bad time with it. My ability to stabilise at the bottom of the squat was shot, and as much as I wanted to tantrum I knew that being a 31 year old and throwing weights around while having a cry probably wouldn't demonstrate the most mature behaviours to the little kids that hang around while their parents work out. Well, that and I know it's not really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, my mates could sense that I was off I think, as one or two discreetly shared some kind words of support.

*End of whinge*

I think the feelings associated with performance difficulties are interesting to pay attention to. I'm trying to be aware of all the negative self talk that stirs when I fail or get flustered . What do I think is going to happen if I fuck it up? People aren't going to laugh at me. I'm getting fitter and stronger just trying, so attempting is far greater than not bothering at all, right? Also, with hormone levels partying on down, I've gotta give myself props for understanding that it takes a bit time to sort out the source of emotional sensitivity. Perhaps I'll learn to let myself be more vulnerable in the process, which is a cool thing in the end, however daunting.

So yeah, I'm trying to listen to what I'm telling myself, and if I talk dirt to myself I'm going to back it up with some self forgiveness and a boost of patience. Back on the horse!

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